Top Ten Things You Should Know About The Family

This semester has been one of the most challenging and influential in my life. I've learned so much especially from my Family Relations class. I just wanted to share with you guys the top ten things that I've learn and have found most important in family life. I challenge you to apply something you've learned from my list.

1.     1) Family Systems Theory

The Family Systems Theory is the explanation for why and how a family works together. In a family there are roles and rules. Roles determine what part each family member plays in the grand picture of the family. Roles often can be set roles like “mother” and “father”, while others are more unique to that individual such as the “funny one” and the “emotional one”. Families are also built up on rules. Rules determine the way a family will function together. Some rules are spoken like curfew is at 10 o’clock, while others are unspoken like mom is the head of the family when dad’s not home. Every family operates at its level of homeostasis or the state of being everyone is accustomed to. Some families this point of homeostasis is healthy for all relationships, on the other hand some can be very unhealthy for some or everyone in the family.

2.      2) Family Culture

The definition of culture is the symbols, beliefs, language, values, and artifacts of a people. Our families all have a culture. A system of beliefs, language, and traditions. A tradition is an inherited pattern or belief. A family’s culture affects what traditions a family participates in, and a families traditions affect the family culture. Together traditions and culture can make a family more unified and a safe place for all of its family members. This is why it is so important for us to always cultivate a family culture that is uplifting and healthy.

3.       3) Gender Identity and Roles

According to the world, your sex is the biological identity of being male or female. While gender is your social identity of being male or female. However we know that gender is eternal no matter is you want to be a girl or a boy, what you are biologically is what you will be for eternity. If families continue to allow the world to teach their children that gender is relative the family will deteriorate. Mothers and fathers won’t know the roles hey are supposed to play in the family. Children will be confused about who they are and whether or not they even want to have a traditional family. We need to continue to fight for the nuclear family because that family structure is what helps a society successfully function.

4.       4) Dating in Preparation for Marriage

When men and women date in preparation for marriage it is important that we help each other exemplify our divine roles. For a man he should demonstrate his ability to protect, provide, and preside. Women should demonstrate that they can nurture. Women can nurture by encouraging the man to live his divine roles. Men can protect by paying attention to his date exclusively even if they are in a larger group. Men can provide by paying for the date. Men can preside by planning the date. Together by living these roles they can see how they will fulfill these roles, and see each other’s personalities.

5.       5) Fidelity in Marriage

There are four types of affairs: fantasy, visual, romantic, and sexual. Fantasy affair is when the individual who is being fantasized about has no idea the affair is going on. Visual affairs are when something visual stimulates a sexual response, like pornography. A romantic affair is when two individuals begin to develop a relationship as if they were dating again. Sexual affair is when two people meet together just to have sex. Ways we can prevent affairs from happening in our marriages are: Boundaries, always being on your guard, and being fiercely loyal. Having fidelity is being true to your marriage.

6.       6) Coping

Coping is preparing as a family for a stressful event before it happens, not just going a long for the ride or just hanging in there. By coping ahead of time we already have established relationships and a sort of plan for what the family will do to handle a stressor or crisis. We do this by increasing communication and establishing healthy boundaries around and in our family. By establishing boundaries we help ourselves know who to go to during times of stress. The heat of our trials in marriage and family life helps us have strong boundaries and strong relationships.

7.       7) Counsel with Our Councils

Communication is important in a family and we communicate in so many different ways. A study found that we communicate with words only 14% of the time, while we communicate with non-verbal cues 35% of the time, and then most of the time (51%) we communicate with our tone of voice. This is why it is so important to have regular family councils so the family can learn how to communicate with one another, and so that children can have practice effectively communicating. A great way to have a family council is to first begin by expressing love and appreciation for one another. Second open with a prayer, Heavenly Father and Christ are at the head of your household so always invite him in. Third discuss the issue until you reach a consensus regarding the Lord’s will. Forth end with a prayer. Fifth have an opportunity to eat refreshments together and continue to express love and appreciation towards each other.

8.       8) Being an Encouraging Parent

When you are a parent you want to parent as much as you can in a way that encourages your child. You can do that by building on their strengths, showing confidence in them, value the child as they are, and stimulate independence. You also should always let the natural consequences to do the teaching unless the natural consequence is too dangerous, too far in the future to be a good teacher, or impacts others. When you are trying to have your child do something for you, you should always begin with a polite request. Then if that doesn’t help them see the importance of doing what you asked give an “I” message. Which sounds like: “When you do ________, I feel __________.” Then if that doesn’t get through to them give a quick firm reminder. Finally if nothing else works give a logical consequence.

9.       9) How to Be a Blended Family

Blended families have a difficult time adjusting to each other. It’s important for them to realize that it will take at least 2 or more years for the family to reach a state of normalcy. Which means they will know how the family culture is and what the family traditions are. They also will have reach a small sense of security. The birth parent should always discipline their child. The child is use to that parent and knows they love them, it is the safest way to insure the family can stay together. The step parent act more like a fantastic aunt or uncle. They should set clear expectations; be warm open, and accepting; and support the biological parents. Every issue between step parent and biological parent should be talked about behind closed doors.

1   10) Be Deliberate

No matter what family you come from its important that you don’t let yourself become a victim of circumstance. Be a proactive member of your family or origin and your new family. It’s your responsibility to determine your family culture, your definitions of gender, how you will remain faithful to your spouse, what you will do as a family to cope, how you will have family councils, and how you will be an encouraging parent. You need to be deliberate in everything you do for and in your family. You are the master of your fate, don’t let it take you for a wild ride.

Fathers and Finances

       My husband and I have been thinking a lot about his future career lately. It's been a difficult decision for him. He really values being able to spend time with our family and getting the chance to teach our children. He also hopes to always enjoy his job. Never feeling like he is working for money, but rather working to enjoy and have time with his family.
      I think that it's important that in decisions like this a couple works together to find a solution. Whatever a father chooses to do with his career will have a huge impact on the family. A father in today's society will more often than not be gone for at least 45 hours a week working if not more. Because of this dynamic often the father feels stressed and when he comes home he just wants to relax, but because his family hasn't seen him all day they want to spend time with him. It can often make a father feel like he never gets a break. That's why a family should council together about how they want to spend their time they have together. This way everyone feels a part of the family and isn't stressed by outside forces on the family.
      I also think it's important for all of the family to be involved in finances. As a family works together to balance their finances and meet their needs they learn to council together. They learn how to work together, to make decisions together, and they strengthen their bonds. It also allows for the children to learn from their parents good spending habits, and how to manage money. It would be a good idea for parents to allow their children to be in charge of one aspect of the family budget. I once knew a family that every month the children where in charge of deciding what the family would do with the "fun money". Any extra fun family activities they were in charge of planning and budgeting for. as they got older their parents added responsibilities including their clothing budget. I could see how this helped each of their children learn how to responsibly handle their money and be frugal.
     I challenge you to find a way to involve all of your family members in your families finances. See how can you use this as an opportunity to teach your children. See how this can be an opportunity to come together as a family.

Counsel with our Councils

       Communication in a family is central to its functionality. If we cannot or won't communicate with each other then we will not be able to have a unified and close knit family. We communicate in many different ways there was a study done that concluded that 51% of our communication is through our tone of voice, 35% through our nonverbal ques, and only 14% through words. There is so much room to misunderstanding! That's why it's important to realize misunderstandings happen. They aren't a bad thing. They are just a part of life. It's also important to take the time to work out our misunderstandings. Get curious not furious.
        Another important way we can increase communication in our homes is to hold family councils. Family councils allow for time set aside for discussing big and important things pertaining to the family. When we set aside time every week to discuss important issues we are preparing our families before something drastic happens. We are coping. As we increase communication during times of peace and plenty, communication will not shut down during times of strife.
        Heavenly Father has laid out the perfect way for us to hold family councils. Elder Ballard, of the quorum of the twelve apostles, has often taught about the importance of councils and how they should be run. The order of the council will do the most good for your family if you:

                           1) Start by expressing love an appreciation for one another. Take an interest in each other's daily activities and hobbies. Ask questions about their interests.

                           2) Open with a prayer. Invite Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ into your home, they are apart of your family too. They know and want what will be best for your family. They see the bigger picture.

                           3) Discuss the current concerns. As you discuss a solution to the concern come to a consensus as a family about what you should do. Leave no one out of the process of making the decision. It is a family affair and a great learning opportunity for your children about how to make decisions and how to work well with others.

                            4) End with a prayer. Always seek for confirmation from God about your decision.

                            5) Have some form of refreshment. This is a great time to again express your love for each other and make meaningful conversation.

I challenge you to try and hold your own family council! I promise it will bless your life and increase communication in your home. I also challenge you to follow this guide line so that you can have a more meaningful experience as you meet together as a family.

My Family System

My family is like a Paleo Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake. Simple, and only containing four ingredients: bananas, eggs, cocoa powder, and peanut butter. My Father is like the bananas. He is the foundation of our family, he provides the basic needs, and he sweetens our home with his constant sense of humor. My mother is like the eggs. She binds our family together with her love, knowledge, and tender spirit. She also helps us rise to our potential by encouraging us to live the gospel of Jesus Christ. I’m like the cocoa powder, I add powerful and enjoyable flavor to my family. I also can be a little bitter sometimes because of my bipolar disorder. My brother is like the peanut butter. He also acts as a binder, he adds a gentle and complimentary flavor to my cocoa powder, and he often smooths things over during arguments and heated discussions.

            As with any cake or muffin recipe it starts with the wet ingredients, or the bananas and the eggs. Just as a family always starts with a mother and a father. My mother and father experienced some significant hardships when they were first married. They lost their first three children through stillbirths, and also went through several miscarriages. This was like the cutting blades of the blender tearing into their hearts and their marriage. However because of their strong resolve and the way they held fast to the gospel, those trying events acted as an emulsifier for their marriage.

They continued to strengthen that bond until their twelfth year of marriage when they welcomed me into their family. My brother and I did not come naturally into our family through birth, just like cocoa powder and peanut butter don’t come from an egg or a banana. We were adopted by and sealed to our parents as babies. This allowed us to have a unique relationship with our parents. Our parents were very open with us about our adoption and when we were young always sought for ways to teach us about adoption and what it meant. As we aged and came to understand the doctrine of eternal families we gained an even more powerful testimony of the sealing power. This was like the second mixing with the blender to blend all the ingredients together.

As my brother and I grew up our family went through more stresses and crises. This was like the baking of the cake in the oven. In the oven of being a teenager, my mother and I often battled it out adding more heat to the fire. Part of the heat was due to my undiagnosed bipolar disorder, which has greatly affected my family. But over time and with the decision to have us kids go into homeschool, my mother and I strengthened our relationship and now we enjoy a wonderful bond that is meaningful and close.

My brother and I were always close as children because there were only the two of us, all we had was each other. My brother would often rely on me and/or my mother for seemingly everything. As we approached our teens we started to distance ourselves just a little bit, and my brother began to assert himself more. Because he started to assert himself more, I learned to mellow out and let him make the decisions sometimes. Over time that has developed into a mature and deep relationship between the two of us. Much like how chocolate and peanut butter go so well together. Before I went off to school and then got married we were inseparable. Now that I’m gone my brother has started asserting his independence with my parents just as he did with me. My dad and my brother have also been strengthening their relationship due to the encouragement of my mother.

During the heat of my teenage years my father and I didn’t enjoy a close relationship. It might have been due to our conflicting personalities, or because I didn’t really take the chance to really get to know him, I just assumed I knew him. However now we have a relatively close relationship that is growing closer over time. Most of the change in our relationship is due to the paradigm shift I had one day when I was talking with my mom. I realized that my dad does everything for our family. That is why he is the banana, or the foundation of our family. He works so hard for us to have everything we need. He also tries so hard to fulfill his callings and be an example of a righteous priesthood holder. I realized he does love all of us, he just shows it differently.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is like the parchment paper that is between our family and the hot bread pan of the world. It keeps us from burning and getting stuck in the world. Our relationships have been bettered because of the understanding that the gospel gives us. Our love for each other has grown as we’ve all grown in the gospel. We also grow closer as we help each other live it.

I’ve realized after comparing my family to this strange cake recipe that I want my future family to be just as strange as my family of origin. I also see the importance of hardships in early marriage. I want them because I know that they will strengthen my relationship with my husband, just like it strengthened my parent’s relationship. In fact I am very confident my parents will never get a divorce because of the relationship they forged during those first hard twelve years. I know that as my husband and I learn to rely on each other early in our marriage we will have a solid foundation to build the rest of our family on. I also want to stress the importance of eternal families in my future family just as my parents did for us. I valued my family and the relationships I had with them because of this foundational knowledge. When my daughters reach their teenage years I want to have patience with them and still continue to do things that will strengthen our relationship even though we might fight often. In fact it’s even more important to strengthen those relationships because they will become the strongest because we will have to work for it. I want to make sure my children develop good relationships with each other. Through allowing them plenty of time to play together while they are young, just like my brother and I were able to develop our relationship. I also want to encourage my husband to go on one-on-one “dates” with our children so they get the chance to really know their father. I want my future family to be different and unique to us but I don’t want it to change to drastically from my family of origin. My parents did the very best they could and they have been pretty successful.

Family Coping

     Often times we think of coping as just getting by. Hanging in there until the ride is over. But if there is anything I've learned about handling stress, it is more effective when we prepare ourselves instead of let our stress or crisis take us for a ride.

      Did you know crown molding can cope? Actually when you cope crown molding you are cutting it to fit perfectly against the other walls crown molding. It looks something like this:

As you can see the cut piece of crown molding is fitted perfectly to the other. This allows for a tight seal and you only need a few nails to keep it in place. We can cope in our families by establishing good relationships between family members before stress and crises come. We can also be willing to adapt to the needs of our family members. By cutting off the unhealthy and unnecessary habits we struggle with, we can more perfectly fit together as a family so when hardships come we aren't torn apart. It also is through the pressure of stress that we become closer and fit together perfectly. 

Did you know that pools cope as well? The coping on a pool is the tile boundary of the pool. It looks like this:

Coping establishes the boundaries around the pool. It also helps the pool maintain its shape. It is often made out of a strong tile that's been fired to incredibly high temperatures so that when the water laps against the tile it doesn't weather the tile away. The tile is often smooth so that when you get in and out of the pool you don't scratch yourself. It also has a lip so that when you're swimming and you get tired you can grab hold of the edge of the wall. When we cope to prepare our families we are establishing the boundaries in and surrounding our family before the hard times come. Our boundaries help us to keep our family dynamic even during and after a family crisis. If we view our times of stress as strengthening opportunities we can fire our family in the kiln of life to make us stronger so our family can withstand the weathering of life. As we strive to smooth out the rough edges of our family we can have a more enjoyable family atmosphere. We also want to establish ways for our children to have a place of refuge where they can cling to their family for support and safety.

I challenge you to find ways to teach your family to cope or prepare now so that when trials come you can be unified as a family and face the challenge together confidently!